I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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