Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
