I faked an abortion last night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
