maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
