I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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