Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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