Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
