I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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