After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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