Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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