Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
