my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
