he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
