Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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