Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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