Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
