hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
