I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
