Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
