I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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