I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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