just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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