Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
