Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
