He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
