Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
