I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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