Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I skipped work to stalk him.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
