Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
