there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
