Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
