Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
