I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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