we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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