I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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