she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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