My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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