Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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