If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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