my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
