my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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