I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
