What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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