i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
