thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
