I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
