I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
