we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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