Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We are all done wearing pants today
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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