just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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