I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
